Marcel, my 2,5 year old siberian cat, passed away on 25th of September this year. I started writing this post the same day but couldn't finish it because of the physical and emotional pain. I reattempted it many times later, yet ended up sobbing each time. Today it's been exactly 3 months since he died and I really want to commemorate my beloved friend.
When I was in the Holy Land in February 2013, I got to see the Wailing Wall. I wasn't religious back then but I decided to make my own 'prayer note'; you are supposed to put it into one of the cracks in the Wall. I asked for just one thing - and that thing was cat. I wanted it since I was a little kid, in fact! Same year, in July, I bought my first cat and it was Marcel. I viewed him as a gift from God, the gift I treasured and felt genuinely thankful for. The gift I've been dreaming about. The best gift in my whole life.
He was extremely special to me from the very beginning. I was surprised how quickly we gained each other's trust - we instantly became friends. Siberians are 'one owner cats', meaning they choose their own beloved master and they remain faithful to them for the rest of their life. Needless to say, Marcel chose me. He gave me all of his love, respect, patience and dedication. To this day, it still surprises me! I am not a likeable person at all - I am nervous, grim, moody and dull. I had had no experience with cats before I got him, so I made a lot of mistakes. I lost my temper way too many times... Marcel, however, always gave me a second chance. No matter what I did, he was eager to forgive.
He was perfect. I do understand that we all tend to idealize what we have lost - but he was always perfect, I knew that all the way. Back when he was still alive, I often pointed that out both in my thoughts and aloud. He was good-hearted, affectionate, meek. Intelligent, cooperative, obedient. Respectful, cautious, gentle. Understanding, compassionate, polite. He was beautiful as well. I will never forget his golden fur, green eyes or pink nose. And that oval head with small, rounded ears and fluff tufts. Just looking at him could lift my spirits. Even his voice was really pretty! He preferred 'trilling' over meowing and I won't lie, I was always waiting to hear that sound.
We were practically inseparable - Marcel travelled with me, holidayed with me, slept in the same room, followed around the house. I have no friends outside the Internet, so he was my best and only real life friend. I'm afraid that I won't be able to form such a bond ever again because his unconditional friendship cannot be replaced. It was unique, one of a kind. He understood me without words! Once I came home after a particularly nasty day and Marcel was there to greet me as usual. We sat in the corridor but he immediately realised that something was wrong because I wasn't acting normal. He was a bit perplexed at first but then gently got on my lap (even though he definitely wasn't a lap cat) and tried to soothe me with his purring. It instantly made my sadness fade away.
I've read that cats don't have facial expressions. It wasn't true in Marcel's case. He was able to show a wide range of different emotions! Anger, sadness, disgust, happiness, fear, gratitude, distress, irritation, pride, excitement and many more. Those were followed by a variety of sounds, not to mention his body language. Even the way he trod usually meant something. We quickly learned how to communicate - I got to know that squinting eyes meant affection, Marcel realised that smiling stood for happiness. I made that photo from a bad angle, but it still shows that distinctive, blissful smile of his.
Marcel learned many human words and phrases. "Bye bye", "You are allowed to do this", "We are coming home", "Where is your toy?" - to name just a few. He recognized his nicknames, too. And there were dozens of them, like Marcelino, Michael, Meow-cel, Niche, Mishka and many, many more but I don't know how to translate them. He also carefully observed my behaviour because he liked to copy it. When I misplaced something and couldn't find it, he always tried to help! When I took a nap, he took a nap. And, well, when I had to go to the restroom - he would follow me there and use his litter box.
His head was always full of ideas. He loved to play 'hide and seek' and was exceptionally good at it. He liked racing around the house and it was actually very tough to catch him! I couldn't get over how clever he was - one time, for example, he made himself a 'blanket' out of my dad's parachute and slept in it just like a human. Introduced to something new, he never acted hastily. Marcel could tell the difference between unreliable and trustworthy people. My mom is a very good person and he liked her a lot. It may be surprising because she didn't spend her time with him - but Marcel wanted to be friends with her anyway.
I miss Marcel immensely. He meant the world to me and his sudden death was the worst thing that happened in my life so far. When he was alive, I hoped for him to get old by my side. Having to part with him too early was one of my greatest fears - and when it came true, I fell apart. I think of him every single day and I pray to see him on the Other Side every morning and evening. I like to imagine that he already is in the Paradise. Maybe he's waiting for me just at the Gate?
I still don't know what exactly claimed his life. I wanted the vet to make an autopsy but my dad told me it was not a good option. I don't know whether he was right or not - it doesn't matter anymore, though. It is most likely that Marcel died from poisoning; I often walked him on leash to the forest nearby and he probably stepped on something poisonous (something that wasn't even dyed because I would have seen it otherwise). Then, after coming back home, he licked it off his fur. The poison killed him within a couple of days but the first symptoms appeared only one day before his death. Another probability was Feline Leukemia. Either way, he had absolutely no chances of surviving.
It was and still is beyond shocking to me. Marcel was healthy and vital throughout his life. He was very young, too - he didn't even reach full maturity. I wasn't able to be with him when he was dying... I knew I was going to lose him but I didn't know it would have happened so fast. I transported him to the vet and when I came back after an hour, Marcel was gone. As heartbreaking as it sounds, he died minutes before I arrived. But he was in so much pain and I definitely didn't want him to suffer any longer.
I hope he remembered that I loved him. He will always be in my memory. I feel like I am a bit of a better person thanks to him! For example - I have become a lot more religious since he died. My relationship with God is definitely more personal today. I decided that the Almighty is going to be my best friend now, so I know I will never lose Him. Besides, remember when I said that me and my family were growing apart? It was true back then but not anymore. Marcel's death brought us together. When he passed away, my parents did everything they could to support me. We couldn't sleep, so we talked long into the night. It probably sounds a bit weird but it was a moment worth living for. It made me feel that I belong somewhere and it's one of the best feelings in the world.
My Internet friends have been equally supportive. I used Twitter to talk about my loss and received responses immediately. I am still thankful for the understanding and compassion, all of that exceeded my expectations! Within days I received official condolences and wonderful art of Marcel. I didn't ask for permission but I hope it's okay for me to post it here! I still haven't drawn any proper tribute for my beloved cat but your drawings are perfect and I really want them to be on this blog for others to admire.
I can't even begin to describe how much I love this gift. When it comes to drawing felines, Jim has always been one of my top idols. This is the second time he has drawn Marcel and, once again, he captured all of his characteristics flawlessly. I love the heart-shaped harp! The colours in the background make me happy, too - I can hear "Somewhere over the Rainbow" playing in my head when I look at them. Jim is extremely busy due to his job and commissions, so the fact he took his time to draw something that complex means a lot to me. Thank you so much!
My older brother doesn't draw but he's an enormously talented photographer. He sent me some photos of Marcel last year and I really want them to be here as well.
He was perfect. I do understand that we all tend to idealize what we have lost - but he was always perfect, I knew that all the way. Back when he was still alive, I often pointed that out both in my thoughts and aloud. He was good-hearted, affectionate, meek. Intelligent, cooperative, obedient. Respectful, cautious, gentle. Understanding, compassionate, polite. He was beautiful as well. I will never forget his golden fur, green eyes or pink nose. And that oval head with small, rounded ears and fluff tufts. Just looking at him could lift my spirits. Even his voice was really pretty! He preferred 'trilling' over meowing and I won't lie, I was always waiting to hear that sound.
We were practically inseparable - Marcel travelled with me, holidayed with me, slept in the same room, followed around the house. I have no friends outside the Internet, so he was my best and only real life friend. I'm afraid that I won't be able to form such a bond ever again because his unconditional friendship cannot be replaced. It was unique, one of a kind. He understood me without words! Once I came home after a particularly nasty day and Marcel was there to greet me as usual. We sat in the corridor but he immediately realised that something was wrong because I wasn't acting normal. He was a bit perplexed at first but then gently got on my lap (even though he definitely wasn't a lap cat) and tried to soothe me with his purring. It instantly made my sadness fade away.
I've read that cats don't have facial expressions. It wasn't true in Marcel's case. He was able to show a wide range of different emotions! Anger, sadness, disgust, happiness, fear, gratitude, distress, irritation, pride, excitement and many more. Those were followed by a variety of sounds, not to mention his body language. Even the way he trod usually meant something. We quickly learned how to communicate - I got to know that squinting eyes meant affection, Marcel realised that smiling stood for happiness. I made that photo from a bad angle, but it still shows that distinctive, blissful smile of his.
Marcel learned many human words and phrases. "Bye bye", "You are allowed to do this", "We are coming home", "Where is your toy?" - to name just a few. He recognized his nicknames, too. And there were dozens of them, like Marcelino, Michael, Meow-cel, Niche, Mishka and many, many more but I don't know how to translate them. He also carefully observed my behaviour because he liked to copy it. When I misplaced something and couldn't find it, he always tried to help! When I took a nap, he took a nap. And, well, when I had to go to the restroom - he would follow me there and use his litter box.
His head was always full of ideas. He loved to play 'hide and seek' and was exceptionally good at it. He liked racing around the house and it was actually very tough to catch him! I couldn't get over how clever he was - one time, for example, he made himself a 'blanket' out of my dad's parachute and slept in it just like a human. Introduced to something new, he never acted hastily. Marcel could tell the difference between unreliable and trustworthy people. My mom is a very good person and he liked her a lot. It may be surprising because she didn't spend her time with him - but Marcel wanted to be friends with her anyway.
I miss Marcel immensely. He meant the world to me and his sudden death was the worst thing that happened in my life so far. When he was alive, I hoped for him to get old by my side. Having to part with him too early was one of my greatest fears - and when it came true, I fell apart. I think of him every single day and I pray to see him on the Other Side every morning and evening. I like to imagine that he already is in the Paradise. Maybe he's waiting for me just at the Gate?
I still don't know what exactly claimed his life. I wanted the vet to make an autopsy but my dad told me it was not a good option. I don't know whether he was right or not - it doesn't matter anymore, though. It is most likely that Marcel died from poisoning; I often walked him on leash to the forest nearby and he probably stepped on something poisonous (something that wasn't even dyed because I would have seen it otherwise). Then, after coming back home, he licked it off his fur. The poison killed him within a couple of days but the first symptoms appeared only one day before his death. Another probability was Feline Leukemia. Either way, he had absolutely no chances of surviving.
It was and still is beyond shocking to me. Marcel was healthy and vital throughout his life. He was very young, too - he didn't even reach full maturity. I wasn't able to be with him when he was dying... I knew I was going to lose him but I didn't know it would have happened so fast. I transported him to the vet and when I came back after an hour, Marcel was gone. As heartbreaking as it sounds, he died minutes before I arrived. But he was in so much pain and I definitely didn't want him to suffer any longer.
I hope he remembered that I loved him. He will always be in my memory. I feel like I am a bit of a better person thanks to him! For example - I have become a lot more religious since he died. My relationship with God is definitely more personal today. I decided that the Almighty is going to be my best friend now, so I know I will never lose Him. Besides, remember when I said that me and my family were growing apart? It was true back then but not anymore. Marcel's death brought us together. When he passed away, my parents did everything they could to support me. We couldn't sleep, so we talked long into the night. It probably sounds a bit weird but it was a moment worth living for. It made me feel that I belong somewhere and it's one of the best feelings in the world.
My Internet friends have been equally supportive. I used Twitter to talk about my loss and received responses immediately. I am still thankful for the understanding and compassion, all of that exceeded my expectations! Within days I received official condolences and wonderful art of Marcel. I didn't ask for permission but I hope it's okay for me to post it here! I still haven't drawn any proper tribute for my beloved cat but your drawings are perfect and I really want them to be on this blog for others to admire.
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| © ShoJoJim |
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| © Iamnottoway |
I received this gift almost immediately after the first one. I wanted to commission a picture of Marcel from Sarah for a long time, so seeing him in her amazing style was literally a dream come true! I adore the fluffy 'ruff' around his neck and that big, soft tail. She always seems to have no problem drawing things I personally struggle with! Thus my upcoming doodles of Marcel are probably going to be influenced by her interpretation of him. I swear she gave him the happiest and cutest smile ever and I still can't take my eyes off it. Thank you again <3
My older brother doesn't draw but he's an enormously talented photographer. He sent me some photos of Marcel last year and I really want them to be here as well.
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I think I will end it here because it's late. This post was originally going to be much longer and detailed, yet I decided to exclude the most negative parts. In an attempt to be a bit less depressive, I focused mainly on my positive memories with Marcel, not only his death. Besides, it's a very special day of the year today - and I hope you all are having a Merry Christmas.
Have our theme song, too!
Marcel was such an incredible little furry companion. I'm so glad you were able to share in each other's lives, and though it saddens me his time here was cut short, I'm certain he enjoyed every moment to the fullest! I'm sure he'd have no regrets. You'll see him again one day, and it'll be the most glorious of reunions!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing these memories; gosh, reading them is bittersweet. I won't lie - I'm tearing up. But I'm also smiling, because you and Marcel shared such a special bond, and taught each other so much!
His death was an absolute tragedy, but I applaud you for choosing to focus on the ways it has positively impacted your life - like your family growing closer and being more supportive of one another, and strengthening your spiritual beliefs. Marcel was a very special kitty indeed.
I can't get over how gorgeous he was.. His eyes were striking - so full of intelligence, and his unique personality shines through in every single one of those photos.
No one can ever replace Marcel, but I'm thankful your family surprised you with Marston (and that you'll be getting another kitten soon, if you haven't already!). I hope they bring you lots of comfort, joy, and laughter <3 In the 24 years I've been alive, my family has had 11 cats. Each had their own special personality - their own way of communicating, and their own way of bonding with us. Eight of those cats are no longer with us - some, like Jack, died before they even had a chance to live. He was less than a year old. Others, like Thom and Cheena, lived to be 15 and even 18! I'm thankful I had the opportunity to get to know each of them :)
Thank you again for posting this. It was a lovely tribute to a lovely friend. I hope writing it helped ease your pain a bit! Don't forget - your friends are always here for you if you ever need to talk! Take care and (late) Merry Christmas!
Holy smokes, your comments are ALWAYS so thoughtful, kind and mood-boosting <3 I cannot thank you enough for them! Sorry for my late response, I noticed your message but didn't have time to reply; one of our lecturers mercilessly gave us two written assignments for Christmas, ugh!
DeleteYes, Marcel was definitely a happy cat. I try to provide my pets with everything they need but, unfortunately, I make a lot of mistakes too. Sometimes I wish I could erase certain things from my past :c But I'm thankful Marcel was generally optimistic, hopefully he was satisfied with his earthly life!
Thank you! I have a bad tendency to remember everything I regret, it's high time to be a bit more positive. Bad memories do nothing except for destroying you. But the more I think about my positive experiences, the more I appreciate Marcel and my family.
Marston is a wonderful gift! He is COMPLETELY different than Marcel but I like him too. Coping with the loss would have been a lot more difficult without him. The kitten, however, reminds me of Marcel in some ways and it makes me incredibly happy. She is absolutely sweet :) I'm glad you got to know so many amazing kitties and let them live on in your memory! 15 and 18 years old are indeed very impressive but I'm sure each of those cats led a happy life. You are a loving and dedicated owner every cat could dream about <3
It helped me a lot. I still think about Marcel and I'm far from accepting his death but getting all of this off my chest was a huge relief. He deserves a better tribute but I'm not good enough with words! Thank you again, hope you had Merry Christmas too!