I'm writing this post for two different purposes, explanatory and motivational. I'm not sure whether I'll be able to update in the next several months, so I'd better do it while I still have the time!
I decided to disappear from the Internet yet again a while ago. I usually do that when I feel upset, and this time was no exception. April was a terrible month for me: I've been struggling with stress, depression and illness, often all at once. I got to see my family on Easter and enjoyed my stay at home a lot, but it felt way too short.. I can't even describe how homesick I am at this point. That's something I never expected to happen! I won't pretend my family doesn't have any problems - we do, we made some progress in the past but now it's mostly gone. My dad is drunk every single day, my mom is angry and frustrated (I don't blame her), and my brothers aren't helping at all. My dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember, yet recently he has taken that to a whole new level. On the weekends he starts drinking as soon as he wakes up and gets himself drunk around 10 AM. Whenever we're trying to talk about this with him, he seems completely oblivious. Helplessly watching your own parent self-destruct is painful beyond words.
Oddly enough, me and my dad are getting along very well right now. I miss him just as much as I miss my little bro, my mom and my grandparents. You see, whenever I'm at home I can convince him to go on a bike trip, build a scratching post for the cats or tend the garden together. Make him put down the booze for a moment. It's not much but it's always something! Bottom line is, my life at home is very far from perfect but the one I have in Cracow is actually a lot worse. I've spent almost 4 years here and never got used to the big city lifestyle - instead, I just began hating it more and more. I absolutely despise it at this point! It combines everything I dislike: hideous smells, loud noises, large crowds of people, pollution, traffic, haste.. I used to enjoy the anonymity but after some time I found out it works nothing like I expected. It actually encourages people to be complete a-holes because they know there will be no consequences for what they do - thus far I've seen individuals spitting and dumping their garbage everywhere, not to mention that one guy who keeps peeing on our trash container.
I miss my home town where people are much more polite in general. I miss the sound of crickets chirping at night, I miss the sight of pine trees swaying on windy days, I miss breathing air that doesn't smell like a rotting corpse mixed with tobacco smoke. I miss having a life that isn't on such tight schedule. I wake up in the morning, spend most of the day in the institute, come back to grab something to eat, do chores, read papers for the following day, take care of the cats (they don't like playing by themselves), sleep for about 6 hours. Rinse, repeat. I do have free weekends but I almost never have the energy to take advantage of them. If I don't have classes I spend all of my time sitting in one room that is approximately 12-15 square meters big. Which is depressive because normally I like the outdoors a lot - when I had guinea pigs I used to spend hours in the backyard, just to watch them graze. Good times! Now I feel miserable whenever I have to go outside since I can't stand the urban environment. Spending most of my days in a tiny room is slowly driving me insane but it's the lesser of two evils.
I have a love-hate relationship with public transport. I like it since it's very cheap (especially if you're a student), relatively fast and is also the easiest method to get around the city. I dislike it because you never travel alone - sometimes the trams are so packed that I literally feel like a sardine in a can. But that's not the biggest problem. The worst part is the passengers themselves: I get yelled at, kicked, punched, sneezed on, coughed on, I even encountered one person who randomly started pushing their crotch onto mine despite the fact there was plenty of space (what the heck?). Sometimes I get to travel with people that either are very drunk or have severe anger issues. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate said people - but it's never nice when they suddenly wet their seat or threaten to kill you. Also, I caught both of my latest infections on a tram. I felt like death, I swear I haven't been this ill for at least a couple of years. I still haven't fully recovered from the second illness and dear Lord, am I terrified of getting on a tram right now..! I have no idea why the heck every tram seems to have more than a half of sick passengers, you can't possibly leave one of these without germs all over yourself.
I kind of regret starting those master studies. On the one hand, I like the subject matter a lot; our lecturers are fantastic and the students are okay(ish) too. On the other hand, everything is very, very repetitive compared to my bachelor studies. I feel like I'm learning about the same things all over again, just with a bit more details. Paradoxically, this doesn't make my studies any easier - they're somehow even more stressful and demanding than the previous ones, holy smokes. They made me abandon my hobby almost completely; there's just no easy way I can keep the balance between drawing and being a student. Now that I have this amazing tablet it might change (hopefully it will!) but the lack of energy is yet another problem I'm facing. I feel burnt-out and uninspired most of the time and I'm not sure what exactly causes that. Maybe it's too much stress, maybe it's lack of sleep, maybe my medications are insufficient at this point - maybe all of those things together. I miss wanting to draw. I miss having a life, but you've heard that one before.
Well, this is how things are going at the moment. Two months left until the beginning of Summer vacations - getting out of here is going to feel like a jailbreak! Remember when I said I wanted to be more positive and keep similar posts out of this blog? Scratch that, I wish I never said that, hahaha. There are certain things I don't want to talk about but I'm just not going to pretend I'm an optimist any more. I probably left you under the impression that I disapprove of publishing any negative posts and I regret saying that in particular. It's good to blow off steam once in a while - life is not a bed of roses. I don't mind if somebody reads this and rolls their eyes. There's always at least one person who will send good thoughts or relate to some of my struggles. And that's what matters!
Okay, let's jump to the second part of this post: I wanted to put together a list of my short- and long-term goals. Nothing too fancy, I just want them to be here so I can remember I should start working towards them this Summer! Here they are:
1. Help my parents around the house. Sort things out, sell some stuff we don't need, throw useless junk away. Unfortunately, most of the time our house looks like a tornado blew through it because my dad and brothers are insanely messy. Keeping it clean is next to impossible, haha. But it doesn't mean we can't repaint the walls or get rid of the unnecessary garbage, just to make it look a bit fresher and less cluttered.
2. Open commissions. It's something I've been considering for quite a while now and I think I'll finally be able to make it happen. So far I took one commission and it was loads of fun! It gave ma a chance to practise and was a very valuable lesson. I really want to start making some money on my own - taking commishes is the best way to do that in my current situation. It's also going to make me draw more in general, which is definitely a positive.
3. Spend more time outdoors. When I'm back at home, I want to take advantage of everything that nature has to offer. Now that I have my own bike I'm hoping to go on as many trips as possible, preferably with my whole family. I want to start playing badminton again, too.
4. Learn to take things easy. I keep letting stress destroy me and I want to put an end to that. I need to realise that I don't always need to push things to the maximum. I force myself to get the best grades - this enables me to apply for a scholarship and I won't lie, the extra cash each month helps me immensely. But does that make me happy? Not really. There are other priorities; my studies are important, yet they shouldn't overshadow everything else.
5. Visit my grandparents more often. They had a very good influence on me as a child and I still want to be under that influence. I want to hear their stories, I want to cherish every minute we can spend together. They aren't getting any younger after all - I know I will have to part with them at some point and it terrifies me. They deserve to know how much I appreciate them!
6. Try to teach my little brother to be more responsible. He's a good person but he tends to hang out with absolute morons. He doesn't want to help my parents at home, which only adds to the existing conflict. I'll do what I can to change that, although I probably shouldn't get my hopes too high, haha.
7. Improve my health somehow. It has worsened since I moved to Cracow.. I've never been a particularly healthy person but I wish I could still reclaim what I had. And I had a functioning immune system - now it's slowly crumbling into pieces. It would be nice if I lost some weight too, yet that's of less importance.
8. Play Red Dead Redemption 2 before October 2017. This is actually an unrealistic wish, not a goal. I doubt it's gonna happen but who knows! I'm beyond excited for that game and I'd love to play it at home, before having to return to Cracow. I'd be happy to see my lil' brother's reaction to it. If the game gets delayed (which is likely), then I want at least some more info about it. If there's one thing I hate about Rockstar, it's their marketing strategy.
9. Own guinea pigs again. Unfortunately, it won't be possible anytime soon - but I can't imagine my life without pigs, haha. They're by far my most favourite pets! They're friendly, outgoing, jovial, mellow, intelligent, docile, committed... the list goes on. I miss having them, sometimes I pay a visit to a pet store just to look at them and listen to their sounds. I never expected I'd miss those obnoxious wheeks, pfff. I might get a ferret one day as well, yet I'm not too sure if I could be a good ferret owner. I need to make more research before I buy one!
10. Get a driver's license. I still don't have it because I've always been more interested in motorcycles and bikes, not cars. Still not crazy about them (they just seem too bulky for me) but I'm absolutely fed up with the public transport. Having your own car gives you more mobility and freedom, which is encouraging!
11. Find a place to settle down. I can't stay at my parents' house, at least not for a long period of time. I'm not allowed to live in my home town either. I've tainted this family and I was asked to keep my distance - I understand and respect that. Finding a completely new place is going to be tough because it's a lifelong decision and thus far nothing has come to my mind. All I know is that I want to live in the suburbs (Polish suburbs aren't similar to American ones) or in a rural/semi-rural area. I don't want to get anywhere near a big city ever again.
12. Buy or (preferably) build a tiny house. It's definitely not something that could happen anytime soon, but I can still list it here. I'm already beyond certain I don't want to buy a flat - I'm living in one right now and I simply can't see any reasonable advantages. Besides, if a small, economic house costs the same price as a contemporary studio flat, why would I want the latter one? By small I mean something around 50 square meters. I'd love to have a mini backyard too, just some safe space to roam around for my future guinea pigs, haha. I like browsing through different house projects; there's actually a lot to choose from, so many variations and possibilities.. Again, this is just a distant and quite unrealistic dream. It's good to have something you can look forward to, though - no matter how far away it may seem right now.
I decided to disappear from the Internet yet again a while ago. I usually do that when I feel upset, and this time was no exception. April was a terrible month for me: I've been struggling with stress, depression and illness, often all at once. I got to see my family on Easter and enjoyed my stay at home a lot, but it felt way too short.. I can't even describe how homesick I am at this point. That's something I never expected to happen! I won't pretend my family doesn't have any problems - we do, we made some progress in the past but now it's mostly gone. My dad is drunk every single day, my mom is angry and frustrated (I don't blame her), and my brothers aren't helping at all. My dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember, yet recently he has taken that to a whole new level. On the weekends he starts drinking as soon as he wakes up and gets himself drunk around 10 AM. Whenever we're trying to talk about this with him, he seems completely oblivious. Helplessly watching your own parent self-destruct is painful beyond words.
Oddly enough, me and my dad are getting along very well right now. I miss him just as much as I miss my little bro, my mom and my grandparents. You see, whenever I'm at home I can convince him to go on a bike trip, build a scratching post for the cats or tend the garden together. Make him put down the booze for a moment. It's not much but it's always something! Bottom line is, my life at home is very far from perfect but the one I have in Cracow is actually a lot worse. I've spent almost 4 years here and never got used to the big city lifestyle - instead, I just began hating it more and more. I absolutely despise it at this point! It combines everything I dislike: hideous smells, loud noises, large crowds of people, pollution, traffic, haste.. I used to enjoy the anonymity but after some time I found out it works nothing like I expected. It actually encourages people to be complete a-holes because they know there will be no consequences for what they do - thus far I've seen individuals spitting and dumping their garbage everywhere, not to mention that one guy who keeps peeing on our trash container.
I miss my home town where people are much more polite in general. I miss the sound of crickets chirping at night, I miss the sight of pine trees swaying on windy days, I miss breathing air that doesn't smell like a rotting corpse mixed with tobacco smoke. I miss having a life that isn't on such tight schedule. I wake up in the morning, spend most of the day in the institute, come back to grab something to eat, do chores, read papers for the following day, take care of the cats (they don't like playing by themselves), sleep for about 6 hours. Rinse, repeat. I do have free weekends but I almost never have the energy to take advantage of them. If I don't have classes I spend all of my time sitting in one room that is approximately 12-15 square meters big. Which is depressive because normally I like the outdoors a lot - when I had guinea pigs I used to spend hours in the backyard, just to watch them graze. Good times! Now I feel miserable whenever I have to go outside since I can't stand the urban environment. Spending most of my days in a tiny room is slowly driving me insane but it's the lesser of two evils.
I have a love-hate relationship with public transport. I like it since it's very cheap (especially if you're a student), relatively fast and is also the easiest method to get around the city. I dislike it because you never travel alone - sometimes the trams are so packed that I literally feel like a sardine in a can. But that's not the biggest problem. The worst part is the passengers themselves: I get yelled at, kicked, punched, sneezed on, coughed on, I even encountered one person who randomly started pushing their crotch onto mine despite the fact there was plenty of space (what the heck?). Sometimes I get to travel with people that either are very drunk or have severe anger issues. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate said people - but it's never nice when they suddenly wet their seat or threaten to kill you. Also, I caught both of my latest infections on a tram. I felt like death, I swear I haven't been this ill for at least a couple of years. I still haven't fully recovered from the second illness and dear Lord, am I terrified of getting on a tram right now..! I have no idea why the heck every tram seems to have more than a half of sick passengers, you can't possibly leave one of these without germs all over yourself.
I kind of regret starting those master studies. On the one hand, I like the subject matter a lot; our lecturers are fantastic and the students are okay(ish) too. On the other hand, everything is very, very repetitive compared to my bachelor studies. I feel like I'm learning about the same things all over again, just with a bit more details. Paradoxically, this doesn't make my studies any easier - they're somehow even more stressful and demanding than the previous ones, holy smokes. They made me abandon my hobby almost completely; there's just no easy way I can keep the balance between drawing and being a student. Now that I have this amazing tablet it might change (hopefully it will!) but the lack of energy is yet another problem I'm facing. I feel burnt-out and uninspired most of the time and I'm not sure what exactly causes that. Maybe it's too much stress, maybe it's lack of sleep, maybe my medications are insufficient at this point - maybe all of those things together. I miss wanting to draw. I miss having a life, but you've heard that one before.
Well, this is how things are going at the moment. Two months left until the beginning of Summer vacations - getting out of here is going to feel like a jailbreak! Remember when I said I wanted to be more positive and keep similar posts out of this blog? Scratch that, I wish I never said that, hahaha. There are certain things I don't want to talk about but I'm just not going to pretend I'm an optimist any more. I probably left you under the impression that I disapprove of publishing any negative posts and I regret saying that in particular. It's good to blow off steam once in a while - life is not a bed of roses. I don't mind if somebody reads this and rolls their eyes. There's always at least one person who will send good thoughts or relate to some of my struggles. And that's what matters!
Okay, let's jump to the second part of this post: I wanted to put together a list of my short- and long-term goals. Nothing too fancy, I just want them to be here so I can remember I should start working towards them this Summer! Here they are:
1. Help my parents around the house. Sort things out, sell some stuff we don't need, throw useless junk away. Unfortunately, most of the time our house looks like a tornado blew through it because my dad and brothers are insanely messy. Keeping it clean is next to impossible, haha. But it doesn't mean we can't repaint the walls or get rid of the unnecessary garbage, just to make it look a bit fresher and less cluttered.
2. Open commissions. It's something I've been considering for quite a while now and I think I'll finally be able to make it happen. So far I took one commission and it was loads of fun! It gave ma a chance to practise and was a very valuable lesson. I really want to start making some money on my own - taking commishes is the best way to do that in my current situation. It's also going to make me draw more in general, which is definitely a positive.
3. Spend more time outdoors. When I'm back at home, I want to take advantage of everything that nature has to offer. Now that I have my own bike I'm hoping to go on as many trips as possible, preferably with my whole family. I want to start playing badminton again, too.
4. Learn to take things easy. I keep letting stress destroy me and I want to put an end to that. I need to realise that I don't always need to push things to the maximum. I force myself to get the best grades - this enables me to apply for a scholarship and I won't lie, the extra cash each month helps me immensely. But does that make me happy? Not really. There are other priorities; my studies are important, yet they shouldn't overshadow everything else.
5. Visit my grandparents more often. They had a very good influence on me as a child and I still want to be under that influence. I want to hear their stories, I want to cherish every minute we can spend together. They aren't getting any younger after all - I know I will have to part with them at some point and it terrifies me. They deserve to know how much I appreciate them!
6. Try to teach my little brother to be more responsible. He's a good person but he tends to hang out with absolute morons. He doesn't want to help my parents at home, which only adds to the existing conflict. I'll do what I can to change that, although I probably shouldn't get my hopes too high, haha.
7. Improve my health somehow. It has worsened since I moved to Cracow.. I've never been a particularly healthy person but I wish I could still reclaim what I had. And I had a functioning immune system - now it's slowly crumbling into pieces. It would be nice if I lost some weight too, yet that's of less importance.
8. Play Red Dead Redemption 2 before October 2017. This is actually an unrealistic wish, not a goal. I doubt it's gonna happen but who knows! I'm beyond excited for that game and I'd love to play it at home, before having to return to Cracow. I'd be happy to see my lil' brother's reaction to it. If the game gets delayed (which is likely), then I want at least some more info about it. If there's one thing I hate about Rockstar, it's their marketing strategy.
9. Own guinea pigs again. Unfortunately, it won't be possible anytime soon - but I can't imagine my life without pigs, haha. They're by far my most favourite pets! They're friendly, outgoing, jovial, mellow, intelligent, docile, committed... the list goes on. I miss having them, sometimes I pay a visit to a pet store just to look at them and listen to their sounds. I never expected I'd miss those obnoxious wheeks, pfff. I might get a ferret one day as well, yet I'm not too sure if I could be a good ferret owner. I need to make more research before I buy one!
10. Get a driver's license. I still don't have it because I've always been more interested in motorcycles and bikes, not cars. Still not crazy about them (they just seem too bulky for me) but I'm absolutely fed up with the public transport. Having your own car gives you more mobility and freedom, which is encouraging!
11. Find a place to settle down. I can't stay at my parents' house, at least not for a long period of time. I'm not allowed to live in my home town either. I've tainted this family and I was asked to keep my distance - I understand and respect that. Finding a completely new place is going to be tough because it's a lifelong decision and thus far nothing has come to my mind. All I know is that I want to live in the suburbs (Polish suburbs aren't similar to American ones) or in a rural/semi-rural area. I don't want to get anywhere near a big city ever again.
12. Buy or (preferably) build a tiny house. It's definitely not something that could happen anytime soon, but I can still list it here. I'm already beyond certain I don't want to buy a flat - I'm living in one right now and I simply can't see any reasonable advantages. Besides, if a small, economic house costs the same price as a contemporary studio flat, why would I want the latter one? By small I mean something around 50 square meters. I'd love to have a mini backyard too, just some safe space to roam around for my future guinea pigs, haha. I like browsing through different house projects; there's actually a lot to choose from, so many variations and possibilities.. Again, this is just a distant and quite unrealistic dream. It's good to have something you can look forward to, though - no matter how far away it may seem right now.
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On a completely unrelated note, this is the last thing I drew in PaintTool SAI. It's actually older than that comic from my previous post, I just didn't get around to finishing it on time. I coloured it 1,5 month ago and then sort of forgot about it! Sadly, SAI doesn't support newer tablets and doesn't recognise their pen pressure. I tried to fix that on my own but nothing worked - I can't even imagine returning to Photoshop, so I decided to invest in a new software instead. I got Clip Studio Paint Pro and I have no complaints at all, it's worth every penny. Still, SAI was my favourite program and it definitely improved my digital drawing experience. I'd like to thank my friend Sarah one last time because she advised me to use it!
Goodbye, SAI. You've been a good companion!
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I think I'll end it here, this post came out way longer than I expected, haha. Thank you for your attention!
