My guinea pigs are together now

Today I phoned my little brother to ask if he took the guinea pig outside. "But Kreska is no longer here" said my brother and he wept.

Kreska's life wasn't easy, just like Bibułka's. First she had mycosis, then benign tumor. On my latest visit at home I noticed she had severe eye injury right away - but nobody had bothered about taking her to the veterinarian before my arrival. By the time I was leaving, she wasn't doing very well, yet at least avoided having her eye amputated. I said goodbye, although I timidly hoped to see her once again. Sadly, it turned out that was our last goodbye.

She succumbed to bladder inflammation. Often neglected by my family or left to people with absolutely no experience with pets, Kreska was still very strong and determined. I'm proud of her - for such a small being, she was really brave. It's Tuesday. On Thursday I'm going home (which was planned several days earlier). Two days separated me and Kreska from reunion.

Today would have been a very sad, yet still quiet and peaceful day. The weather was perfect - as soon as I learned about my deceased pet, the sky went dark and heavy rain fell. It would have been if my mom didn't phone me. She said Kreska's death was partly my fault because I shouldn't have gotten her when I was in the second grade of senior high school. I clenched my fists and burst into tears. First, I didn't want to take up studying right after school, it's my parents who forced me to do it. Second, my little brother always seemed genuinely interested in our pets; he had his own degu and took proper care of her. How could I know he would have problems with the guinea pigs after my move? Third, it's my mom who spoiled my brother rotten. He's a wonderful person but he has absolutely NO responsibilities besides his school homework. When I was 10 years old, I was doing a lot of things around the house. No one ever had to remind me about my pets. Never. Fourth, for goodness' sake, I wasn't home when my piggy started peeing blood... On top of that, my parents left her to an old lady, who has never had any pets, for 3 days. Why didn't they let my brother stay with Kreska since they knew she was sick? He wouldn't be home alone because my older brother was also there. Kreska had been improving before they abandoned her.

I know it's a dumb reason to cry but I couldn't help it. I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm tired of being regarded as a failure. I wish my family could at least pretend to accept me. On the one hand, my mom is supportive and kind - on the other hand, she tends to say mean things every now and then. One time she called me a 'piece of shit'. The other time she kept telling me I was possessed by demons and forcing to see an exorcist (which she took very seriously). That was really humiliating. Now she blames me for the death of my beloved pet. My dad abused me through all my childhood, both physically and emotionally - so now, whenever he offends me, I just don't care. I'm used to it. But my mom's sudden and unexpected hate-episodes hurt a lot. Words can be as sharp as a knife - you need to be careful with them.

When I was a kid, my guinea pigs were my world. One of my greatest fears was (and still is) being useless. With no friends, cruel father and distant mother, I often felt I had nothing besides my piggies. I would sit with them on my lap, pamper them and tell them they were my only reason to live. There's no coincidence my suicide attempt occured when my parents refused to buy me another pet. That wasn't the main reason for trying to take my life away but feeling unneeded played an important role. I don't want to go into too much detail because it still triggers a lot of painful flashbacks... With damaged knees and a never-healing scar on my character, I survived. Also, my neighbor was sympathetic enough to buy me another piggy.

Kreska was really smart and kind-hearted. I loved her way of communicating with me. For example: I handled her supporting her hind paws with my hand and front paws leaning against my shoulder. So she learned to climb onto my shoulder when she wanted to be taken back home. That was adorably clever. I remember how much she liked chin scratches, too. She always begged for more.

I'm going to miss her a lot. I'm going to miss all of my guinea pigs. Here, in Cracow, I can't keep any other pets besides my cat. I'm SO glad I have Marcel, though. He's been trying to comfort me all day. I wish I could put into words how precious he is to me, especially now.


Sorry that all of my updates have to be so depressive. I don't even have a drawing of Kreska to accompany the text. My feelings are scattered. My eyes hurt.


But here's something to make this post a bit less miserable:

This video is my guilty pleasure, haha. I listen the heck out of this song! It also reminds me of my little girl, because Kreska loved guinea pig bridges. Once my brother made one out of a small plank and she kept crossing it over and over and over.

Thank you, Parry Gripp.