These are by no means New Year's resolutions because I have a long history of not fulfilling them. Only a vague set of things I'd like to improve on - I want them all in one place, just to look at this post and remind myself to keep going. I started seeing a therapist again, so there's an actual possibility that my life is going to be fixed... to some extent!
1. I absolutely need to develop better time management skills. I'm a terrible procrastinator and it has an overwhelmingly negative impact on myself and everything I do; I believe it's one of my worst character flaws. And while I do consider myself lazy, this issue doesn't stem solely from laziness, but from a compilation of many different factors and I want to eliminate at least some of them. I keep putting things off, but they stay in my mind nonetheless. I worry about then instead of sorting them out and it's just as exhausting as it is irrational.
2. I should stop questioning and self-doubting myself all the time. This is a complex problem and it's definitely closely linked to what I described above. When I was a child, I was constantly reminded I was worthless and everything I did was wrong... I internalised that and it paralyses my actions now. Almost every thought has a counter-thought and it goes like this:
1. I absolutely need to develop better time management skills. I'm a terrible procrastinator and it has an overwhelmingly negative impact on myself and everything I do; I believe it's one of my worst character flaws. And while I do consider myself lazy, this issue doesn't stem solely from laziness, but from a compilation of many different factors and I want to eliminate at least some of them. I keep putting things off, but they stay in my mind nonetheless. I worry about then instead of sorting them out and it's just as exhausting as it is irrational.
2. I should stop questioning and self-doubting myself all the time. This is a complex problem and it's definitely closely linked to what I described above. When I was a child, I was constantly reminded I was worthless and everything I did was wrong... I internalised that and it paralyses my actions now. Almost every thought has a counter-thought and it goes like this:
I want to draw → No, it's going to look like a turd
I want to fix something to eat → No, it's going to taste gross
I want to fix something to eat → No, it's going to taste gross
I want to get in touch with my friends → No, they don't want to hear from me
I want to tweet or write a blog entry about something → No, nobody cares
I want to post more personal drawings → No, everybody hates them
I have zero control over this type of thinking, just like I was programmed to believe I'm not capable of doing anything good. I'm convinced that nothing in my life serves a purpose and it's so depressing. I don't know how to solve this issue on my own and I'm definitely going to need some professional help with it.
3. I wish I could stop feeling guilty and ashamed of myself. To be perfectly honest, this isn't likely to happen because shame is an integral part of who I am and I cannot change that. But simply reducing those emotions would benefit me and everybody around me (I think). When something bad happens, I usually feel responsible for it, even if it has very little to do with me. I believe I make my family and friends miserable, I constantly blame myself for their problems and can't help but wonder how much happier they would be without me. This approach isn't really helping anyone, though.
I have zero control over this type of thinking, just like I was programmed to believe I'm not capable of doing anything good. I'm convinced that nothing in my life serves a purpose and it's so depressing. I don't know how to solve this issue on my own and I'm definitely going to need some professional help with it.
3. I wish I could stop feeling guilty and ashamed of myself. To be perfectly honest, this isn't likely to happen because shame is an integral part of who I am and I cannot change that. But simply reducing those emotions would benefit me and everybody around me (I think). When something bad happens, I usually feel responsible for it, even if it has very little to do with me. I believe I make my family and friends miserable, I constantly blame myself for their problems and can't help but wonder how much happier they would be without me. This approach isn't really helping anyone, though.
4. I'd like to be more active on the Internet. This is a difficult one because I'm afraid that I'm simply not able to get into online communities as much as I was in the past. Is it just me or the Internet is bursting with hatred and harassment these days? Maybe it's just my tendency to pay more attention to negative things; maybe it isn't so bad after all? I have no idea. My self-esteem is very low and fragile, I live in perpetual fear of being called out for some imaginary misdeeds I allegedly did or being judged by folks who don't know me at all. It takes me months to build up the courage to attempt something new, but my self-confidence can be shattered within seconds. I worry that the Internet might not be a safe place for a weirdo like me, yet at the same time I genuinely miss using deviantART and similar sites.
5. I want to start using an ask blog, dang it. I already made one a good while ago, but it's empty. I keep putting it off because I have more important things to do, I'm also not active on my "public" social media accounts right now. You see, this further confirms my first point: I wish I was better at getting things done, not at making excuses.
6. I'd like to open commissions and keep them open for more than just a couple of months. I know I'm talking about opening commissions repeatedly, but my drawing skills are very wobbly... to say the least! Severe lack of practice took a heavy toll and I still can't shake the rust off. Living and studying in Cracow did a lot of damage to my abilities, drawing simple things feels difficult again. Admittedly, I enjoy doing commissions, yet I'm constantly worried I might let my customers down. But I'd better get back on track as I don't have any other source of personal income.
7. I want to get more creative. I think I'd be able to make sculptures again, I enjoyed it more than drawing in the past. This isn't the case anymore, but I might give it another shot. Drawing with traditional media feels very tempting as well - and I already have all the art supplies I need, which is handy. I may even try some sewing! I used to make miniature pillows for my guinea pigs and I made a voodoo doll once, so I know the basics, haha.
8. I should start eating healthier. I keep stuffing my face with sweets and junk food, no wonder why my immune system acts up every so often. There are various things I could do to improve my health; this one is relatively easy to achieve because I have access to better food, I only need to adjust my preferences. This might be a bit difficult, but I think it's worth it.
9. I need to be more responsible with money. I'd say I'm not particularly bad when it comes to these matters, but there's definitely room for improvement. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm one of those people who tend to make impulse purchases when they feel depressed. I order most of my stuff online; I guess this type of shopping works as a temporary cure for sadness because it replaces my apathy with some form of excitement (looking forward to receiving my order). Sometimes I'm genuinely happy with what I bought and I use it, but once in a while I regret my decision. Apart from that, I have yet another shopping habit that I should break - making unreasonable supplies of things. I'm hoarding certain items as if I was preparing for an apocalypse. I want to be a minimalist, there's a lot of stuff I don't even need.
10. I wish I could find a long-term goal and stick with it. Something realistic and attainable, something to keep myself motivated. I don't have a dream job and I don't believe I'll ever be able to afford to live on my own, but there might be something else. I want to discover it.
7. I want to get more creative. I think I'd be able to make sculptures again, I enjoyed it more than drawing in the past. This isn't the case anymore, but I might give it another shot. Drawing with traditional media feels very tempting as well - and I already have all the art supplies I need, which is handy. I may even try some sewing! I used to make miniature pillows for my guinea pigs and I made a voodoo doll once, so I know the basics, haha.
8. I should start eating healthier. I keep stuffing my face with sweets and junk food, no wonder why my immune system acts up every so often. There are various things I could do to improve my health; this one is relatively easy to achieve because I have access to better food, I only need to adjust my preferences. This might be a bit difficult, but I think it's worth it.
9. I need to be more responsible with money. I'd say I'm not particularly bad when it comes to these matters, but there's definitely room for improvement. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm one of those people who tend to make impulse purchases when they feel depressed. I order most of my stuff online; I guess this type of shopping works as a temporary cure for sadness because it replaces my apathy with some form of excitement (looking forward to receiving my order). Sometimes I'm genuinely happy with what I bought and I use it, but once in a while I regret my decision. Apart from that, I have yet another shopping habit that I should break - making unreasonable supplies of things. I'm hoarding certain items as if I was preparing for an apocalypse. I want to be a minimalist, there's a lot of stuff I don't even need.
10. I wish I could find a long-term goal and stick with it. Something realistic and attainable, something to keep myself motivated. I don't have a dream job and I don't believe I'll ever be able to afford to live on my own, but there might be something else. I want to discover it.
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I think I'll end it here, if this list grows too long, it could start to look a bit intimidating! Just the fact that I finished this post is a small victory, however silly it may sound. I don't like writing anything these days because everybody in the house seems to be on a mission to interrupt me as often as possible. I already lost count how many times somebody barged into my room today. I need to be alone for at least several hours a day and I need silence to stay focused... Sadly, none of that is possible here. I delete more drafts than I finish. I'm glad I was able to wrap up this one; thank you for reading!
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