This year's Summer was very bad. I dread that season every time it approaches and I always feel happy and relieved when it ends. It's so hard to believe it used to be pleasant and enjoyable not a long time ago! But then the temperature began to rise - I remember that, in this part of Poland, days marked with temperature above 30 degrees Celsius / 86 Fahrenheit were quite rare back in the 1990's and early 2000's. Now it's the other way around: for the whole three months of Summer the temperature stays well above 30 degrees during the daytime. Rain became extremely sparse too, I don't think we had a single full rainy day this season. It's sad to see grass and leaves wither and die in the middle of the Summer, in the time they are supposed to thrive. It's awful to deal with massive mosquito infestations every year because those bastards, unlike many other native animals and plants, take advantage of hot weather and high humidity.
Our house has thin walls and very poor isolation inside them, there is no ventilation and no air conditioning. My room is exposed to direct sunlight throughout the whole day and it turns into an inhabitable zone every time we get hit by a heatwave. I moved some of my belongings to my older brother's room (he doesn't live with us anymore) and I slept there for several weeks; I considered moving there permanently but I quickly found out it wasn't a good idea. It's the closest room to the basement, therefore it's dark, musty and very cold during the winter. My current room isn't ideal, but it's my best option for now! I'll try to save up some extra money for the next year and convince my parents to install air conditioning, at least for the upstairs. I'm absolutely fed up with living in something that feels like a hot oven for the 1/4 of the year :(
Our house has thin walls and very poor isolation inside them, there is no ventilation and no air conditioning. My room is exposed to direct sunlight throughout the whole day and it turns into an inhabitable zone every time we get hit by a heatwave. I moved some of my belongings to my older brother's room (he doesn't live with us anymore) and I slept there for several weeks; I considered moving there permanently but I quickly found out it wasn't a good idea. It's the closest room to the basement, therefore it's dark, musty and very cold during the winter. My current room isn't ideal, but it's my best option for now! I'll try to save up some extra money for the next year and convince my parents to install air conditioning, at least for the upstairs. I'm absolutely fed up with living in something that feels like a hot oven for the 1/4 of the year :(
Despite my hopes, my health has deteriorated significantly over the past 10 months. I had intense headaches, abdominal pains and dyspepsias almost every week in Summer. I found myself resorting to pain relievers and antibiotics more and more often as my body didn't have the strength to fight on its own. Sometimes I needed to go to the restroom about 15-20 times a day, which resulted in clear pee, not to mention that I strained to squeeze it out and it hurt... I seem to experience various sorts of pain more often than ever before, I also frequently feel fatigued on top of that. It's not unusual that I can't sleep at nights and then I struggle to stay awake during the days. I caught an infection at the beginning of September and as I was on my (slow) path to recovery, I caught another one. I got sick at least 4 times this year and half of those diseases were really severe!
Those are not my only concerns. As you might remember, I have a pretty big cavernoma in my brain. I named that thing Howard. I had a PET scan last month because I wanted to get Howard checked; the doctor said there's nothing wrong with it, it hasn't grown any bigger... yet it still hurts pretty often and when it does, it's quite persistent and generally very, very painful :( I also have hypothyroidism, but since thyroid hormones aren't the only hormones I take and most endocrinologists don't treat people like me, I struggled to find a proper clinic for months. I finally found one (in the cursed city of Cracow, yuck) and thankfully the doctor didn't discover any new problems, just prescribed a bigger dose of one of my medications. I hope it's going to kick in in a month or two. My next step is to contact somebody about my kidneys and/or urinary tract because I'm worried about those.
The situation at our home hasn't gotten any better. My dad is almost constantly drunk, he's noisy, annoying, manipulative and impossible to ignore. He might lose his job soon - this isn't the first time his position is threatened and, to be perfectly honest, I'm actually surprised he's still employed! He's the most unproductive person I've seen in my entire life; he doesn't share almost any expenses with my mom since he spends most of his income on alcohol. He might be indebted, yet he keeps that a secret, so I'm not sure about his financial situation. Some time ago I confronted him about his abusive behaviour and all I heard was that it's our fault he is addicted. He thinks we mistreat him and we leave him with no other option than drowning his sorrows in alcohol. WOW. He completely denied the fact that he was very violent towards us when we were small kids and said he never hit me. I told him him that, in reality, nobody has ever hurt me as much as he has nor done that much damage to my mental health and self-esteem. He didn't apologise, just laughed at me in a truly demonic manner... You know, I honestly don't want anything bad to happen to him, but I wish he could disappear from my life! Just leave the family and never return.
One thought has been tormenting me for quite a while. WHY did my mom want to bring children to the world with this man? She knew he was violent and dangerous. He showed her his true colours right after they got married. He was beating her, stealing her phone, locking her in the old house... Why did she still want to have kids with the monster? As far as I know, two of us are accidents (one of them is me), but it doesn't really explain why she didn't leave him after finding out she was pregnant. My mom doesn't like my dad and she's very clear about it. I asked her to divorce him many, many times and she usually says she will consider it, but I already know she won't... She's afraid of the social stigma and keeps convincing herself that she needs him to do all the work she doesn't know how to perform. I do admit my dad has some impressive knowledge, but he hardly ever makes use of it these days.
I feel bad for mom because this failed marriage has an overwhelmingly negative impact on her; she has become very easily-aggravated, panicky and nervous. She's a good woman and deserves to be loved and treated with respect. But the harsh truth is that she contributes to the problem..! She hates when my dad is drunk, yet she buys him more alcohol. She's fed up with all the mess he makes, but she cleans up after him. She knows he's a liar, yet she chooses to believe him every now and then. She expects him to be better and shields him from learning from his mistakes at the same time. I told her she's only reinforcing his addiction and bad behaviour this way, I said she should allow him to crash and burn because right now he lives a relatively comfortable, easy life. He doesn't have to rely on himself and has no desire to improve. She listens to those things, agrees with them, then returns to her usual habits. Sigh.
At this point I know I won't be able to help them, so I'm distancing myself emotionally and I'm taking care of my own, personal problems. And they definitely don't like it: they're trying to rebuild the bridge that is gradually collapsing, but they're choosing very bad methods to do so. My drunk dad comes to my room to blab about politics in a loud, irritating voice. No thank you, I'd rather not listen to the same crap you've been repeating for the past 4 years. And I'd rather not spend a single minute with you while you're drunk. My mom is trying various approaches, but she became a lot more controlling overall. She calls me several times a day and freaks out when I don't pick up the phone, she always wants me to stay within close proximity to the house whenever I take the dogs for a walk and keeps lecturing me about that.. I told her I'm not pleased with this type of behaviour and she responded she has no one else to control, so I have to be her target. WHY. She also added that I "might do something stupid in the forest". What on earth could I possibly do? Get in a fight with a moose? Sell some crack to a family of foxes? I'm virtually the calmest person in this entire madhouse...
BUT. Let's forget about all of that for a while and focus on this very moment. Here are some positives!
1. Both of my parents went on a trip to Italy and they won't be back for the next 2 weeks. I'm completely alone right now since my brother stays with our grandma tonight. I swear this is the happiest I've felt in a very long time. I desperately needed this! My life is perpetually oversaturated with social interactions with my family and my need for privacy is constantly violated, so I'm grateful for every minute I get to spend in solitude. I like being on my own, I love silence and stillness, I enjoy feeling more independent. While I wouldn't want to be alone all the time, I require a big dose of seclusion on a daily basis: I rarely get that need fulfilled, so I'm thankful I can do it now.
2. The weather is absolutely gorgeous. Days are getting a bit chilly and nights are becoming pretty dang cold! And we get various types of weather too: some days are sunny, some overcast, some rainy and some foggy. I like all four types as long as the temperature is low (and it totally is)! Leaves are starting to change their colours, but not too rapidly; everything is still mostly green. I went on two long walks in the woods this week and I was simply blown away by how beautiful everything looks in this time of the year. The sun rays were beaming through the tree crowns and the air was full of fresh scent of damp soil, leaves and grass. Fall is one of my favourite seasons (another one is Spring), so I'll definitely make the most of it this year!
3. My therapy is going very, very well. I have two types of meetings: one group meeting per every week and one private meeting with my therapist per two weeks. I was originally really nervous about that first type, but I quickly formed a good connection with most of the people who attend those meetings! We all have similar problems after all - and learning about others' experiences is extremely valuable. Being able to share my own struggles and hearing feedback is definitely helpful too. And as for my therapist, I freaking adore that guy. I talked with many various psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists throughout my life, but this is the first time I undoubtedly "clicked" with one of them! So far our cooperation has brought very positive results for me and I'm always anticipating my next meeting.
4. I'm slowly getting into watercolour painting and I'm enjoying it immensely. I mean, I barely started it, so my paintings are nowhere near being even slightly decent! But I'm having tons of fun with learning and this is all that matters to me. I'd gladly turn traditional work into my main domain since my poor eyesight isn't getting any better from staring at a screen for hours. You see, this is odd: traditional art is generally a lot less forgiving than digital art because you can't simply undo your mistakes... yet I find traditional creation to be more calming. When I draw digitally, I stress over every single line. When I draw traditionally, I know once something is done, it can't be changed (unless it's erasable, of course). Somehow it's easier for me to accept an outcome, even if it's far from good, when I realise I can't alter it! We only have happy accidents, remember that!
5. I've come up with a health-restoration plan. I'm officially accepting the fact that my organism is fragile and I'm willing to obey some rules from this point! I'm going to eat raw vegetables and fruits every day; I don't need anything fancy, just one apple, tomato or a couple of lettuce leaves will do. I can gradually change the dose to a bigger one over time, as well as (hopefully) develop a taste for new things. I'm going to drink herbal tea too: certain herbs have very valuable health benefits, for example viola tricolor is a natural blood purifier. I'm also going to eat a bit of garlic every day. While I love foods seasoned with garlic, that thing is absolutely repulsive on its own, pfff. But I'm okay with making some sacrifices, chomping on a vampire repellent is a much better option than being sick. I'm going to avoid stodgy/fatty meals since my digestive tract definitely doesn't appreciate those, they also make me very drowsy. I need to completely remove milk from my diet because I've developed a severe case of lactose intolerance. And the hardest part: I have to say farewell to most sweets :( I love sugary treats and the dopamine boost they give me, but I eat WAY too much of that stuff, to the point it harms me. I also need to start going to bed at reasonable time instead of freaking 3AM. This is going to be challenging too because I'm a night owl! But I know it's very bad for my health in the long run. Last but not least, I'm going to spend about one hour walking the dogs in the woods every day. This, in turn, is going to be really easy since I've been doing it for the whole year. As far as dietary changes go, I started introducing them last week and I can certainly feel the difference! I have more energy, my mood is more stable, my body doesn't hurt. I'm looking forward to making more progress.
Phew, this is all I have for you today. This post turned out to be a lot longer than I thought, holy smokes. It's called "Life 2.0" because one time I wrote an entry titled "Life" and deleted it mere hours after publishing. That post was quite similar to this one, but it didn't have the positive part. So that's always a plus!
One thought has been tormenting me for quite a while. WHY did my mom want to bring children to the world with this man? She knew he was violent and dangerous. He showed her his true colours right after they got married. He was beating her, stealing her phone, locking her in the old house... Why did she still want to have kids with the monster? As far as I know, two of us are accidents (one of them is me), but it doesn't really explain why she didn't leave him after finding out she was pregnant. My mom doesn't like my dad and she's very clear about it. I asked her to divorce him many, many times and she usually says she will consider it, but I already know she won't... She's afraid of the social stigma and keeps convincing herself that she needs him to do all the work she doesn't know how to perform. I do admit my dad has some impressive knowledge, but he hardly ever makes use of it these days.
I feel bad for mom because this failed marriage has an overwhelmingly negative impact on her; she has become very easily-aggravated, panicky and nervous. She's a good woman and deserves to be loved and treated with respect. But the harsh truth is that she contributes to the problem..! She hates when my dad is drunk, yet she buys him more alcohol. She's fed up with all the mess he makes, but she cleans up after him. She knows he's a liar, yet she chooses to believe him every now and then. She expects him to be better and shields him from learning from his mistakes at the same time. I told her she's only reinforcing his addiction and bad behaviour this way, I said she should allow him to crash and burn because right now he lives a relatively comfortable, easy life. He doesn't have to rely on himself and has no desire to improve. She listens to those things, agrees with them, then returns to her usual habits. Sigh.
At this point I know I won't be able to help them, so I'm distancing myself emotionally and I'm taking care of my own, personal problems. And they definitely don't like it: they're trying to rebuild the bridge that is gradually collapsing, but they're choosing very bad methods to do so. My drunk dad comes to my room to blab about politics in a loud, irritating voice. No thank you, I'd rather not listen to the same crap you've been repeating for the past 4 years. And I'd rather not spend a single minute with you while you're drunk. My mom is trying various approaches, but she became a lot more controlling overall. She calls me several times a day and freaks out when I don't pick up the phone, she always wants me to stay within close proximity to the house whenever I take the dogs for a walk and keeps lecturing me about that.. I told her I'm not pleased with this type of behaviour and she responded she has no one else to control, so I have to be her target. WHY. She also added that I "might do something stupid in the forest". What on earth could I possibly do? Get in a fight with a moose? Sell some crack to a family of foxes? I'm virtually the calmest person in this entire madhouse...
BUT. Let's forget about all of that for a while and focus on this very moment. Here are some positives!
1. Both of my parents went on a trip to Italy and they won't be back for the next 2 weeks. I'm completely alone right now since my brother stays with our grandma tonight. I swear this is the happiest I've felt in a very long time. I desperately needed this! My life is perpetually oversaturated with social interactions with my family and my need for privacy is constantly violated, so I'm grateful for every minute I get to spend in solitude. I like being on my own, I love silence and stillness, I enjoy feeling more independent. While I wouldn't want to be alone all the time, I require a big dose of seclusion on a daily basis: I rarely get that need fulfilled, so I'm thankful I can do it now.
2. The weather is absolutely gorgeous. Days are getting a bit chilly and nights are becoming pretty dang cold! And we get various types of weather too: some days are sunny, some overcast, some rainy and some foggy. I like all four types as long as the temperature is low (and it totally is)! Leaves are starting to change their colours, but not too rapidly; everything is still mostly green. I went on two long walks in the woods this week and I was simply blown away by how beautiful everything looks in this time of the year. The sun rays were beaming through the tree crowns and the air was full of fresh scent of damp soil, leaves and grass. Fall is one of my favourite seasons (another one is Spring), so I'll definitely make the most of it this year!
3. My therapy is going very, very well. I have two types of meetings: one group meeting per every week and one private meeting with my therapist per two weeks. I was originally really nervous about that first type, but I quickly formed a good connection with most of the people who attend those meetings! We all have similar problems after all - and learning about others' experiences is extremely valuable. Being able to share my own struggles and hearing feedback is definitely helpful too. And as for my therapist, I freaking adore that guy. I talked with many various psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists throughout my life, but this is the first time I undoubtedly "clicked" with one of them! So far our cooperation has brought very positive results for me and I'm always anticipating my next meeting.
4. I'm slowly getting into watercolour painting and I'm enjoying it immensely. I mean, I barely started it, so my paintings are nowhere near being even slightly decent! But I'm having tons of fun with learning and this is all that matters to me. I'd gladly turn traditional work into my main domain since my poor eyesight isn't getting any better from staring at a screen for hours. You see, this is odd: traditional art is generally a lot less forgiving than digital art because you can't simply undo your mistakes... yet I find traditional creation to be more calming. When I draw digitally, I stress over every single line. When I draw traditionally, I know once something is done, it can't be changed (unless it's erasable, of course). Somehow it's easier for me to accept an outcome, even if it's far from good, when I realise I can't alter it! We only have happy accidents, remember that!
5. I've come up with a health-restoration plan. I'm officially accepting the fact that my organism is fragile and I'm willing to obey some rules from this point! I'm going to eat raw vegetables and fruits every day; I don't need anything fancy, just one apple, tomato or a couple of lettuce leaves will do. I can gradually change the dose to a bigger one over time, as well as (hopefully) develop a taste for new things. I'm going to drink herbal tea too: certain herbs have very valuable health benefits, for example viola tricolor is a natural blood purifier. I'm also going to eat a bit of garlic every day. While I love foods seasoned with garlic, that thing is absolutely repulsive on its own, pfff. But I'm okay with making some sacrifices, chomping on a vampire repellent is a much better option than being sick. I'm going to avoid stodgy/fatty meals since my digestive tract definitely doesn't appreciate those, they also make me very drowsy. I need to completely remove milk from my diet because I've developed a severe case of lactose intolerance. And the hardest part: I have to say farewell to most sweets :( I love sugary treats and the dopamine boost they give me, but I eat WAY too much of that stuff, to the point it harms me. I also need to start going to bed at reasonable time instead of freaking 3AM. This is going to be challenging too because I'm a night owl! But I know it's very bad for my health in the long run. Last but not least, I'm going to spend about one hour walking the dogs in the woods every day. This, in turn, is going to be really easy since I've been doing it for the whole year. As far as dietary changes go, I started introducing them last week and I can certainly feel the difference! I have more energy, my mood is more stable, my body doesn't hurt. I'm looking forward to making more progress.
Phew, this is all I have for you today. This post turned out to be a lot longer than I thought, holy smokes. It's called "Life 2.0" because one time I wrote an entry titled "Life" and deleted it mere hours after publishing. That post was quite similar to this one, but it didn't have the positive part. So that's always a plus!
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